It’s OK to Get Help When Supporting Others…And Probably for the Best
By Christina Eichelkraut
It’s natural to help friends who are facing difficult challenges in their life. Lending a sympathetic ear, offering a bit of healthy distraction, or giving a loved one some outside perspective are all valuable, supportive, and nourishing acts of love and friendship.
But when a loved one is dealing with the complex symptoms of C-PTSD, PTSD, or other mental health challenges stemming from trauma, your own empathy and efforts may not be enough.
Bob Millsap with son at Coachella
When a loved one is dealing with the complex symptoms of C-PTSD, PTSD, or other mental health challenges stemming from trauma, your own empathy and efforts may not be enough.
It’s OK to Get Help When Supporting Others…And Probably for the Best
By Christina Eichelkraut
It’s natural to help friends who are facing difficult challenges in their life. Lending a sympathetic ear, offering a bit of healthy distraction, or giving a loved one some outside perspective are all valuable, supportive, and nourishing acts of love and friendship.
But when a loved one is dealing with the complex symptoms of C-PTSD, PTSD, or other mental health challenges stemming from trauma, your own empathy and efforts may not be enough.
When a loved one is dealing with the complex symptoms of C-PTSD, PTSD, or other mental health challenges stemming from trauma, your own empathy and efforts may not be enough.
That’s a hard pill to swallow, we know. Especially when the bond between you and the trauma survivor is familial, or the deep friendships formed between military veterans.
Still, many mental health issues can lead to dangerous, even life-threatening behaviors. From acting impulsively and recklessly to suicidal ideation, the behavior issues and lack of emotional regulation that stem from surviving trauma can wreak havoc on a person’s life. And it takes more than phoning a friend to cope with these pervasive symptoms.
Who Can Help?
That’s why crisis counselors have specialized training or certifications, including in crisis intervention (which is different from psychotherapy, though that may also be recommended).
If a person is actively suicidal, for example, a trained crisis counselor can handle that conversation in such a way it won’t cause impulsive action on the trauma survivor’s part.
This is important to understand because however well-intentioned you may be, and regardless of how much you care for your loved one, suicidal ideation is an extremely delicate mental state. It is a psychological emergency that requires very specific handling and treatment. Just as loving your friend doesn’t qualify you to perform life-saving surgery on their body, your care and affection does not qualify you to conduct emergency psychotherapy or state an intervention.
That doesn’t make you less of a friend or diminish the love, care, affection and regard you have for the survivor. Nor does it dilute the bond between you, whatever that may be. Recognizing this fundamental truth and guiding them to someone qualified to help is one of the most caring, loving things you can do, whether the person is a spouse, family member, or brother-(or sister-)-in-arms.
The same is true for long-term management of trauma symptoms. Taking a buddy out for a beer after they exploded at their significant other (again) may give the friend some temporary relief or comfort. You may be able to validate their frustration at having lost their temper and further damaging what is likely already a strained relationship. You may be more than willing to let them vent or even offer a useful, different perspective. While that support is valuable, ultimately it does not stop a behavior that is actually a destructive coping mechanism, or put another way, a medical symptom of psychological distress.
A crisis counselor or trained therapist can, based on your friend’s individual personality and experiences, teach them ways to cope with triggers and regulate their emotions and behaviors in the long term. The counselor’s guidance is based on years of validated education and training. Much like we have learned how to reset a broken leg, we now have a decent idea (though admittedly still imperfect) of how to address behavioral symptoms stemming from trauma. You may be able to drive your friend to the hospital or watch their kids while they are at physical therapy, but you can’t reset the leg itself because you are not a doctor. The same is true when the problem facing a loved one is psychological.
Finally, it’s important to remember that Secondary Traumatic Stress is a very real. When attempting to support a person with trauma you may inadvertently trigger trauma reactions of your own. A trained counselor or therapist is more objective and dispassionate in assessing issues and symptoms and, more importantly, is trained in ways to cope with exposure to other people’s trauma.
A Note for Our Veterans
Sadly, one of BIAAZ’s largest client demographics is veterans who became TBI survivors while serving. Indeed, brain injury is the signature injury of all desert conflicts.
We see many veteran TBI survivors rely solely on their fellow servicemen for help. While the deep bonds forged during active duty are a crucial source of support for these TBI survivors, it is unlikely to ever be sufficient in helping them overcome PTSD and live a rich and meaningful life.
The stigma of seeking mental health care while in – or even after being discharged from – the military is real; we are not naively blind to that reality. And, it can be easy for a fellow service person to believe they are all their survivor friend needs – after all, in all likelihood that was true while they were serving together.
But the fact remains that guiding your comrade in arms to qualified care may save their life, and this does not refer solely to suicide. A cycle of self-medicating trauma symptoms through drinking or other harmful behaviors can be just as dangerous and effectively end a life, too.
The choice frequently boils down to this: you can buy your buddy a beer when their trauma symptoms lead to them getting fired, divorced, or alienating friends and family, or you can support them in seeking the help they need that may prevent any or all of those events from ever happening. Wouldn’t it be more fun to buy them a beer when they get promoted or at their anniversary dinner?
At BIAAZ, we make an active effort to foster community and support the important social bonds that form in the wake of brain injury, which it goes without saying causes PTSD in most cases. But even we refer some clients to crisis hotlines or other providers when we know we can not give the degree of help necessary to help someone thrive.
The good news is you can always do that for your loved ones, too, while still supporting them in all the ways you already do.
Christina Eichelkraut is a recovering print journalist who founded Christina Copy Co. in 2011. When her keyboard isn’t clacking, she bakes complex artisan bread, nerds out on political science, uses her fountain pens to write to pen pals the world over, and reads long past her bedtime in a joyful disregard of her alleged adulthood. Christina earned her B.A. in Mass Communications with an emphasis in print journalism in 2006 from Franklin Pierce University.
ABOUT BRAIN INJURY ASSOCIATION OF ARIZONA
The Brain Injury Association of Arizona (BIAAZ) is the only statewide nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of adults and children with all types of brain injuries through prevention, advocacy, awareness and education. BIAAZ also houses the Arizona Brain Health Resource Center, a collection of educational information and neuro-specific resources for brain injury survivors, caregivers, family members and professionals.
What began in 1983 as a grassroots effort has grown into a strong statewide presence, providing valuable life-long resources and community support for individuals with all types of brain trauma at no charge.